Why the hard moments are the ones that stick

Hey friends,

When I was young, my dad worked at a men's clothing store. Shortly after he married my stepmom, Klaire, he brought home a life-size mannequin and stood it in the hallway. Late that night, he told her he heard something stirring in the hall and asked her to go take a look. She was so scared that she threatened to divorce him on the spot.

That was decades ago, and no one in our family has forgotten it. Most of us can't remember what we had for lunch last Tuesday, but we can replay a moment like that in perfect detail.

A recent study from Yale, reported October 16, helps explain why. In the lab, people took either a pill containing cortisol, the body's main stress hormone, or a placebo. Then they looked at a series of pictures while their brains were scanned, and the next day they were tested on what they remembered. With more cortisol on board, the brain's emotion networks responded more strongly, its memory networks tuned in to emotional information, and the two worked together more closely. The pictures that felt intense were the ones people remembered best.

The lead researcher, Elizabeth Goldfarb, put it this way: "Stress responses are fundamentally adaptive." Our brain keeps what felt important. It wasn't making a mistake. It was doing its job, which is to make sure we don't forget what felt dangerous or meaningful.

That's also why one charged moment can shape how we react, relate, and retreat for years. The pattern was built for a reason. Nothing is wrong with us. And what the brain built through experience, it can rebuild through practice, one repetition at a time.

Something to try this week: When you get triggered, talk to yourself. Say your name out loud and talk your way through it. This simple practice is immediately relieving. It's like your best friend put their hand on your shoulder and assured you things were going to be okay.

If you're willing, take a moment to think about one that still sticks with you. What made it so vivid?

That's the question Built This Way is built around: why painful patterns repeat and how to change them. It comes out October 22, 2026, and the Kindle edition is available on Amazon. Preorder Built This Way on Kindle

Thank you for being part of this community. None of it would have happened without you.

Wishing you abundant health, happiness, and prosperity,

Mark