Name It to Tame It: Using Third‑Person Self‑Talk to Build Self‑Compassion
Talking to Myself
Hey friends,
I need to admit something. I talk to myself—a lot. Not in a muttering‑under‑my‑breath way, but in a deliberate, third‑person way. Psychologists call it Illeism. I’ve called it Name It to Tame It (NITTI) for years, and I leaned on it hard right after my divorce.
Back then, the inner dialogue was brutal. Day and night, heart racing, mind replaying arguments. The only way to unhook myself from these narratives was to talk to myself. I'd say aloud, “Mark, you’re angry and scared. Let’s breathe.” Hearing my voice gave me a little space. I could choose something kinder in that space: get a glass of water, journal, or sit and feel without adding more heat.
The habit stuck. My life is WAY calmer now, but I often find myself alone. I work from home and have a fairly consistent routine: read Dharma with my coffee, meditate, hit the sauna and cold plunge, clean the Airbnb, then write. Sometimes I look up and realize it’s evening, and I haven’t spoken to anyone. So I check in:
“Mark, you’ve been alone all day. What do you want to do, call a friend for dinner or pick up the guitar and play.”
It feels less like talking to myself and more like having a steady friend in the room.
Why Third‑Person Self‑Talk Works
- Distance without denial — Saying my name lets me acknowledge the feeling instead of fixating on it.
- Shadow work is made simple. The moment I name the feeling — anger, shame, or envy — it surfaces. Now it can be met, not buried.
- Built‑in compassion — I speak to myself like I would talk to clients: clear, direct, and kind.
Over time, that voice becomes a permanent ally. If you tend toward harsh self‑judgment, NITTI is a quick way to soften the tone and start real shadow work.
How to Try It
- Catch a strong emotion.
- Say your name, state the feeling, and add one caring suggestion.
“Jen, you’re anxious about the presentation. Let’s review the first slide and breathe.”
- Notice the shift. Repeat as needed.
Do it when you’re calm, too. Repetition trains your brain to switch on the supportive voice automatically when stress hits.
Want Deeper Practice?
If you’d like help weaving NITTI into a larger plan of meditation, perspective‑taking, and shadow work:
- One‑on‑one coaching — Custom sessions that turn these tools into daily habits.
- Plant‑Medicine Retreat | Tubac Ranch in late May or early summer— A small‑group, $2,000 all‑inclusive experience combining mindful preparation, safe psychedelic exploration, and integrative shadow work.
Reply to this email or book a quick call if you’re interested.
I wish you all skillful and compassionate conversations with yourselves,
Mark
Answer the Call
Ready to make third‑person self‑talk a daily habit and pair it with deeper practices?
• Book a Coaching Session – We’ll weave Illeism into meditation, perspective‑taking, and shadow work tailored to your life.
• Join the Plant‑Medicine Retreat – Late May or early summer at Tubac Ranch, $2,000 all‑inclusive. Safe psychedelic exploration, mindfulness, and integrative shadow work in a small group.
Reply to this post, email me, or book a quick call to learn more.
Questions for Reflection
When was the last time you spoke to yourself like a trusted friend?
For me, it was yesterday afternoon, right after I glanced at my endless to‑do list. I paused, put a hand on my chest, and said, “Mark, you’ve got a lot on your plate. Let’s finish one task, then step outside for a five‑minute walk.” The tension dropped immediately. When was it for you?
Which feeling could you “name to tame” today?
Again, me. I felt a low‑grade anxiety about filling the last few spots in the plant‑medicine retreat. So I named it—“Mark, you’re worried those seats won’t fill.” That turns the shadow emotional buzz into a clear signal, which helps redirect my focus onto outreach instead of fretting. What similar feeling could you name today?
How might a kinder inner voice change the way you handle your biggest stress right now?
I'll finish answering these questions to give you a sense of how NITTI workds. Instead of slipping into “You should have planned this better,” the kinder voice says, “Mark, you care about giving people a great experience. Let’s draft one authentic post and call two past clients who might benefit.” The stress becomes practical momentum rather than self‑criticism. What practical way might you work through a similar challenge?
